Power

Writing gives me a great power. It strips away the reality I am given and gives me a chance to control a world in which I can live the most immersive alternate reality possible. A place I cause no real harm to anyone, but where I can create all desires, fears, and dreams come true a million times over in a million different ways. Things I would never consider doing in my reality in which I live I can do without hesitation in the world that I create.

But greatest of all writing reminds me how great the reality that I have been given really is. It makes it richer and worthwhile. It makes the colors of experience seem richer when recently they had been dulled. This is the freedom of expression. This is true power. It is because I feel this way I know I am a writer.

I feel as if my face has been shoved into a reflective well of truth. I am no longer allowed to look away from it or deny truth’s own power. It is a force that now discovered cannot be ignored. To just write free form and not give a flying pink elephant of consequence and even know with my entire being there is no consequence…. JOY! It is my secret with myself. I have discovered a friend I never knew I had. My consciousness. My being.

When I was in 2nd and 3rd grade my teachers made me keep journals that for about 15 minutes daily they would force us to write about a general topic. But we were not allowed to stop our pens once for those 15 minutes. They would watch us and scold us if we stopped our pens. We had to just write for the sake of writing…. It didn’t even matter if we went off topic. They had only given us a starting place for thought.  If only I had known what a gift they had been giving me… To just be in that moment where the words poor out.

Over the years the worst thing possible happened… Writing became a chore. Something that I feared. It’s like when people don’t like to hear their own voice on a recording. “Do I really sound like THAT?” When I write and go back to read, “Do I really write like THAT?” It is the same. Feelings of not good enough and inadequacy actually stunted my potential. I am learning to get passed that now. This stems from feelings of a horrible self-consciousness in which I am paralyzed from positive change and growth. NO MORE. I cast these thoughts and feelings off. I have mentally said it over and over but no I must put it down in the creative medium that is a part of my destiny… Writing. I realize it diseased me creatively to not write like I used to.

I must remember… I have choice. I have power. I have will. Bad behaviors picked up by those around my and the bigger part of society I cast off. Procrastination. Laziness. Inadequacy. Feelings of being out of control of my reality. Feelings of nihilism. Feelings of indifference. I cast off. I refuse to keep the bad behaviors I have learned from others as I have grown, and vow to rediscover my natural gifts and continue to acquire the good habits of others. There is no option but to fight a winning battle, but a battle it will be. It will always be till it is time to transition to yet another reality, the one that happens after death.

So mote it be!

Can this be it? Well, this is where I am none the less.

 

So anyone that has been super close to me knows I am a starter and not a finisher. I start LOTS of things, and either due to my personality or my immaturity, and even likely both, I lose interested and motivation quickly. To me, life is like one big candy store. I see so many candies to try it is very difficult to pick just one kind and I’m all over the damn place wanting to sample all the damn candies. haha

 

Most specifically I am talking about what I know I want to do with my life. Writing. I have started so many novels and screenplays it is ridiculous. Most of them are good ideas worth pursuing, it’s just I get very quickly bored with one idea and want to go to the next one. I know I am not completely alone in this… But at my current age of 21 I feel like I have matured enough in person to be able to sit down and bulldoze my way through one of my ideas in order to get to the end and actually feel like I have accomplished something I have been wanting to do for a long time. I most learn to obsess over my writing, particularly my characters and immerse myself so completely in their world I am thinking about it 50% of my day. I truly feel like that is the only way to get to the end.

On this current project I am going to attempt to finish I am doing one of my favorite parts of writing, which is research. I am currently pouring through different sources of information on the history of Japan and Germany, particularly their history of cultural practices involving performance art. Japan is easy, but Germany is going to be a slight bit more difficult simply because I don’t have an already working knowledge of Germany like I do of Japan. No big deal. It will be a much bigger deal to balance my interest in the research with actually writing. In the past I would begin to read too much extraneous things and wouldn’t feel like writing.

Reading is one of my worst distractions. As funny as this may sound to some people, particularly non-readers, it is so so easy to get “lazy” and not write and just want to read all the time. Reading is great, but it won’t challenge me like writing does. Reading is necessary but isn’t all I need to bring myself to a place I know I want to be. I have many creative ideas, and when I read books or see movies of the creative genius of others I have cried. I cried because I felt a sense of grief. I felt like time is ticking on and still I have so many creative ideas I want put forth but everyday I spend not contributing to my goal they will never be realized. This has happened when watching both The Fountain and Black Swan by Darren Aronofsky, whom I respect very highly as a director, writer and overall visionary (and find a lot of his stylistic choices are similar to many of my own).

I currently feel so inspired to do a lot of work and improve my life and get to where I want to be as soon as possible and finish my first book. I feel like nothing can stop me, yet there is something in the back of my mind that I am aware that this feeling might not last. I have to nurture it for it to stay. I plan on nurturing it by juicing and exercising more than anything else. Without taking care of my body diligently, I a,most never feel like doing anything productive. I have to remember that to feed my soul and spirit I first have to feed my physical body its proper nourishment.

What adds to my life? What things do I need to remember to be mindful of?

 

Reflecting back on yesterday’s post on mental suffering, I naturally began to think very specifically about why I have been feeling so fulfilled lately. Ultimately I think it comes down to knowing that the choices I have been making, especially the big ones but also the small ones, have been made with thoughtful intent and honesty. It is not easy to make choices that are difficult, but it is much better to make choices that we both feel and know are what are right for us.

In addition, there are certain things that mean a lot to me personally and add to my life in such a positive and powerful way that I I need to be mindful, there’s that word, of them. I need to always be aware that these are things I either need to do one a regular basis and in general appreciate them as the building blocks for how I can keep myself healthy and happy (in no particular order).

• Love and take care of my plants and animals like they’re my children.

• Create. This usually will mean writing and any form of art, but it can also mean new ideas or something similar. I know I want to leave my mark on this world in many different ways even if my name itself is forgotten.

• Transform. I want to be constantly evolving myself to better every single aspect of my being. I need to remember that even though I am smart, I know very little.

• Shine. I need to remember that even though I don’t know everything, it is important to not beat myself up about not feelings “good enough” in this and that and just do anyway because I can’t grow without doing. Mainly what comes to mind is my writing. I will probably post in the future about this particular topic.

• Physical Well-Being. I need to exercise, drink lots of water and fresh juice. I need to be mindful of my body’s physical needs and understand that they should be a lot more important than anything else and to ignore them as priority is to create a poor foundation to anything else I want to do in life.

• Show I care. I need to remind those I love on a consistent basis that I love them and ultimately because they are there is the main motivation for my existence. I don’t need lots of people in my life, but the few I have and love I need to nurture our bonds.

• Be in nature. This is usually accomplished by something as simple as a walk outside, but for a deeper connection a picnic in the mountains, on the beach or somewhere with a strong connection to the earth and its elements is essential. Hikes, biking, camping, et cetera are also ways to accomplish this.

• Organized and clean living space. As basic as it sounds, I never really considered this important to my life before. My boyfriend has really helped me realize how directly my immediate environment affects my well-being. To have clutter or trash sitting around me is like pollution to my psyche. I am slowly learning how to be tidy. Though I will never be a natural organizer, I hope to one day get to the point where it comes much more easy to organize and be tidy than it is fore me now!

A good portion of this I think is important to anyone’s well-being, but I know for certain that every single one of this is very specifically important to me personally. It is so easy to forget just one and then go through period in life where I wonder what is missing, and it takes longer than I’d like to remember what it is. Perhaps looking at this list will be a powerful reminder in the future?

DIY terrarium

Reblogged from Madey Edlin:

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Start with about 3/4 inch sand.

Add just enough water to make the sand moist. 

Pat down the sand level.

Add a layer of rocks. (We used shiny rocks collected at the beach) 

Then a layer of dirt.

Plant small cute little plants. Succulents are my choice. 

Yay!

Cheers!

-madey edlin

You bet I want to do this! and bonsai! :D

Mental Suffering

Currently, I am in a very happy mental state in my life. I feel so deeply and completely that everything I am doing and experiencing is exactly the way my life should be heading. I feel radiant! And I am not going to let myself worry about sounding corny or cliche about it. Because it is real and true. And anything that make us feel productive, fulfilled and bright should be preserved like the most precious treasure ever to be found. But still, suffering is on my mind all the time none the less.

I was laying in the bath, allowing myself to be cleansed both figuratively and literally from the day’s grit. Of course my mind was wandering to to many things, as minds have need to do. Somehow my brain led me to thoughts about those who don’t feel as I do now, including my past self-feelings of being sullen, angsty, dull and desperate.

I have always held the belief that it is absurd to compare one person’s misfortunes and depression to another’s. Though all of us on Earth have varying degrees of suffering, from being teased at school to being starved of hunger, ultimately suffering is still suffering. Just because it is believed that one person’s suffering might be “lesser” or “greater” than another’s does not mean that any one person’s suffering had less significance to the person in the situation.

This concept has been reinforced for my be the current book I am reading: The Heart of the Buddha’s Teaching – Transforming Suffering into Peace, Joy and Liberation by Thich Nhat Hanh. Hanh stresses the importance of welcoming and acknowledging our sorrow. He rightly believes that to live in this world automatically means we shall suffer. It is life. Nothing we can do will change this fact. We must embrace the fact that, yes, we suffer. It is okay to feel sadness, anger, hate, despair and loneliness. We are human. No problem too small should make us feel small. Our emotions are real, even if we try to pretend they are not.

Even though I have always believed this I still struggle with this concept, even to today! As radiant and bright as I feel when I write this I know that I still have so far to go in learning how to recognize and then accept my different feelings for what they are. Every day I feel I am getting closer and closer to bettering myself at this.

But once we recognize we are feelings angry, sad, whatever… We have to, as soon as possible, decide how we are going to deal with it. Will we choose to let these feelings have free rent in our minds and souls or will we  figure out a way to transform these things into something to transform ourselves? Kenji Miyazawa, a famous and insightful Japanese poet, powerfully said that we should “embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” How powerful and magical is that?!

But I cannot pretend that this is anywhere near an easy task. When we are suffering, it can feel so overwhelming that we can’t even begin to think about anything constructive. All positivity feels futile and even patronizing. We often feel alone. We often feel ugly. We often feel like we are suffocating inside our own minds.

This is why it is so critical to try and recognize suffering before it gets too serious. We must identify the problem before it gets too overwhelming. We must not let it sweep us away before we even know to plant ourselves firmly to reason…. If possible.

Half of the time suffering will suck us up like we are slowly sinking into quicksand. This is where it is possible to help ourselves escape before we are in too deep. On the other hand, sometimes it cracks us on the head like an aluminum ball bat. We have no way of preparing. Ass they say, “shit happens.”

What can I say about that. Unfortunately, I don’t have much to say. Once again, we must accept and accept some more certain things. Death and taxes are an inevitability. There is nothing we can do about either. We must find ways to cope through friends, family, activities, pets and hobbies. But still, there is so much we can in fact control that we disillusion ourselves into thinking there is nothing we can do. This is a lie.

The serenity prayer is truly one of the most beautiful prayers I have ever heard to soothe the human heart:

“God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.“

My mother used to always tell me to pay attention to the last line. “and the wisdom to know the difference.” So crucial. So profound. We must look deep into ourselves to know for sure whether we can change a situation or not. It is so easy to fool the self into thinking we are powerless in so many situation where we in fact have all the power we could ever imagine! It’s just do to “this” or “that” we might not notice it. You probably have more control over your life than you think, especially if your situation is free enough that you find this post on the internet!

Know you are powerful. Know you can effect change in your own life, no matter how old, poor, “ugly”, alone and unfortunate you may be. It’s never to late till the day you kick the bucket! You decide if you’re worth it. That’s the whole truth and nothing but the truth!

Beginning My Voice – 21 Year Old Know “Something”

Starting this blog as a way to organize my thoughts and develop my own voice as a writer and person. If one of you are more out there decide it is worth your while to read these entries, fantastic! Likely someday, if I achieve my dream of being a well-respected novelist, many of you will read this but until then I shall think of this blog as my sandbox. Inspiration to do this first began with my first ever insightful post on Facebook. Something other than posting a funny picture or a good article. Something with my own voice and expression. Someone commented I sound like a professional writer, so being that I am a young adult and do posses some level of ego I decided I should keep up this writing thing.

I have been told before, by someone close to me, that I should only spend my time writing something with the intent to make money off it. Otherwise, it is a waste of time. While I appreciate very much all the wisdom I have gathered in general from this person, I tend to disagree because sometimes when we don’t know what to write it truly is best to write something rather then nothing at all. It is known to free the spirit, and often leads to writer something of a “more productive” nature. Just writing whatever I want with no structure or worry what the person on the other side thinks is nice! Not gonna lie. It is like a diary except without anything I wouldn’t want the whole world to know! I’m not that open. I’m pretty introverted and will likely stay that way the rest of my life. I’m okay with that, actually very comfortable with that, but would like to learn to be a little more assertive with a lot of things. This will only be learned with time, and I don’t feel in a rush.

So anyway, I’ll end my first blog post with what I put on Facebook.

“I remember going to Planned Parenthood one day and the medical assistant that was giving me my birth control randomly started talking about her life story. She would talk about how her mother’s husband would keep her constantly pregnant so other men would think she was ugly and unattractive so he could feel confident they weren’t screwing his wife. In addition, he made her drink all the time to keep her under his control. This was in Mexico, but all over the world and even in the United States women are controlled in various ways by their men.

An example in the United States would be the show Prison Wives where this woman was put in prison for life without parole for being an accomplice to a killing committed by her boyfriend. She didn’t have any direct hand in killing him, but because she was there and helped dispose of the body and didn’t talk she is considered just as guilty. She had grown up in the countryside and had been raped and drugged by men from the time she was 12. She didn’t think she had any choice but to obey the men in her life, or risk being beaten or killed. A lie? I highly doubt it. A sad situation all the way around.

Racism. Sexism. Ageism. Religious discrimination. Homophobia. And all other forms of bigotry are alive and well. My prescription? The government should require parents to raise their children to listen to Depeche Mode. The world would be a better place for sure.

But in all seriousness…. I don’t have a grand plan that I think would ever take care of global bigotry all at once. All I know for sure are the “little” things we can do. How we raise our children. How we treat the people around us, both close friends and strangers. What we do to better ourselves and rethink our first impressions. To understand negative thoughts and emotions are natural to our existence is essential to know how to handle them and transform them into action and change.

Not sure why I am expressing all of this on Facebook, but for some reason I felt compelled to share. Thought it was time to say something of substance other than just sharing LOL mirth. It is one of the reasons why I am on here I suppose… Right? To communicate with others in a meaningful way? Through both laughter and serious thought? I don’t think I should be on here otherwise.

God! I am so lucky for everything I have in life. /musings

P.S. Too much to read? Just watched the video? My plan worked! >:D lol

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