Writing gives me a great power. It strips away the reality I am given and gives me a chance to control a world in which I can live the most immersive alternate reality possible. A place I cause no real harm to anyone, but where I can create all desires, fears, and dreams come true a million times over in a million different ways. Things I would never consider doing in my reality in which I live I can do without hesitation in the world that I create.
But greatest of all writing reminds me how great the reality that I have been given really is. It makes it richer and worthwhile. It makes the colors of experience seem richer when recently they had been dulled. This is the freedom of expression. This is true power. It is because I feel this way I know I am a writer.
I feel as if my face has been shoved into a reflective well of truth. I am no longer allowed to look away from it or deny truth’s own power. It is a force that now discovered cannot be ignored. To just write free form and not give a flying pink elephant of consequence and even know with my entire being there is no consequence…. JOY! It is my secret with myself. I have discovered a friend I never knew I had. My consciousness. My being.
When I was in 2nd and 3rd grade my teachers made me keep journals that for about 15 minutes daily they would force us to write about a general topic. But we were not allowed to stop our pens once for those 15 minutes. They would watch us and scold us if we stopped our pens. We had to just write for the sake of writing…. It didn’t even matter if we went off topic. They had only given us a starting place for thought. If only I had known what a gift they had been giving me… To just be in that moment where the words poor out.
Over the years the worst thing possible happened… Writing became a chore. Something that I feared. It’s like when people don’t like to hear their own voice on a recording. “Do I really sound like THAT?” When I write and go back to read, “Do I really write like THAT?” It is the same. Feelings of not good enough and inadequacy actually stunted my potential. I am learning to get passed that now. This stems from feelings of a horrible self-consciousness in which I am paralyzed from positive change and growth. NO MORE. I cast these thoughts and feelings off. I have mentally said it over and over but no I must put it down in the creative medium that is a part of my destiny… Writing. I realize it diseased me creatively to not write like I used to.
I must remember… I have choice. I have power. I have will. Bad behaviors picked up by those around my and the bigger part of society I cast off. Procrastination. Laziness. Inadequacy. Feelings of being out of control of my reality. Feelings of nihilism. Feelings of indifference. I cast off. I refuse to keep the bad behaviors I have learned from others as I have grown, and vow to rediscover my natural gifts and continue to acquire the good habits of others. There is no option but to fight a winning battle, but a battle it will be. It will always be till it is time to transition to yet another reality, the one that happens after death.
So mote it be!